Anxiety

This is not some educational stuff, you can skip it if you want

“I have a problem.” That’s what I said to my mom when I told her about my anxiety for the first time. It was second year of college, I was home for summer holidays and I was having a panic attack.

I truly wish none of you relates to this, but if you do, I want to let you know that you are not alone.

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I had my first experience with this thing called anxiety when I was preparing for JEE, had dropped a year, and realised that I fucked up and the chances of me getting into IIT are almost zero. I thought my life is over. I didn’t know what to do. It was one of the worst thing that ever happened to me. Now, it seems irrelevant, because it is. But that one experience was enough I guess.

I stayed at home for a few months, didn’t study much. Spent my time watching videos on Youtube, crying and questioning everything I was doing at the same time. It changed something in me. I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but I started being afraid a lot.

I started experiencing these moments where every small uncomfortable experience triggered something in me and I started sweating, sometimes crying, not being able to breathe and not being able to control any of it. It was like somebody removed me from the driver’s seat of my own body.

This one time in college, I remember one of my senior shouted at me after a performance (For context, I was part of a dance crew) because of a mistake I did. It was just for 1 second, it was nothing, but it was a trigger. I had a panic attack there, in front of all 30 people watching me as if I am a freak (which I was maybe). I vaguely remember somebody offering me water, but that was the only piece of empathy that I got maybe. After that, all I got was some jokes being passed around.

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This got too personal. Anyway.

Why am I writing about this? Because, I have been feeling the same again for a few days, maybe a few weeks too. I have had a few good years in between, but I guess it is back.

I feel scared, not sure of what but it is that I am scared of. The uncertainty makes it worse. Life was supposed to be lived and we all are surviving here, maybe that is the reason. Survival, at what cost?

Still not sure if people take things like anxiety seriously, because I am pretty sure we don’t give any importance to empathy.

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I know you people didn’t signup for this. This newsletter was supposed to be about startups, money and psychology. Which it was, for first 5 issues I guess. Then I started feeling comfortable with it.

I have 2-3 incomplete drafts about topics you would actually like. About the paradox of choice, why people lack aspiration and about writing. Maybe I will complete them one day. It’s hard to write when you are not feeling too well emotionally.

Unlike numbers, words actually need you to work with your heart in it. So, I hope you people will pardon me for this issue which I sent out randomly because I wanted to say things out loud.

Peace ✌️